Good luck on that

Where are you love?

I wait
I pray that we meet
but never shows up

I’m such a failure
just hope but do nothing

Why can’t I change?

I suffer
no passion in life
only being obsessive by some things
oh my

Looking up at others
envy every time
how I want to know what it feels like

Looking low at some
so I feel better
but it’s just pathetic!

Can I kill me?

I would love to
but then
it’s everyone that I think of!

No
it’s not like I care of them losing me
because

No one’s going to really feel lost
it’s just
I care about what they would think of me

Killing myself!
makes it even more pathetic, right?

Why do I want so much?
why can’t I just be grateful of what I have?
why can’t I just enjoy life?

Why can’t I just love it?

I don’t even have any damn curiosity about any useful things but …

(Can’t tell that)

We are just passing through

"But lately.. I’ve been forgetting little things. He’s sort of fading and I’m starting to forget him. And it’s like, like losing him again. So sometimes, I make myself remember every detail of his face, the exact color of his eyes, his lips, his teeth, the texture of his skin, his hair. That was all gone by the time he went. And sometimes, not always, but sometimes.. I can actually see him. It's as if a cloud moves away and there he is, I could almost touch him. But then.. the real world rushes in and he vanishes again. But what all I did every morning when the sun was not too bright outside, but the sun somehow makes him vanish. It's he appears and he disappears, like a sunrise and a sunset, anything, so ephemeral. It's just like our life, we appear and we disappear. And we are so important to some. But we are just.. passing through.” 

- Natalia in "Before Midnight"

You've got time

What is it?
it is nothing but eater
it only does eating in its life
what else can it do?

It can do something else

Really?

Absolutely

Like what?

Sh*tting

Is that supposed to be funny?

You think it’s not?

No, it is LOL LOL LOL

Did you just say lollollol?

Yeah why?

Oh, you’re so not cool

What? You are not cool
I am the coolest of all, junk!

You don’t say it, stupid
it’s an expression
it’s an acronym for laughing out loud

Whatever

What about us then?

What about us?

What can we do?

Many things

Like what?

Reading, watching, shopping, traveling, everything!

Everything?

Did I just hear sarcasm in that?

No
it’s just
what you mentioned
we’re just the same like “it”, man!

What do you mean?

We’re doing nothing!
we’re doing nothing but consuming!
like “it”!
eating!
why can’t we do anything else?!
like sh*tting!

I don’t understand
isn’t it anything else?
and do you think sh*tting is way better than consuming?

You are so f*cking retarded
I mean producing!
like making something!
why can’t we make something?!

You mean why can’t YOU make something?
I can make something just so you know
I can make cool drawings, cool mixed songs, cool short stories, cool film, even cool porn videos
there’s so many I can’t even mention all of it

Damn

What?

WHY CAN’T I PRODUCE SOMETHING?!!

You are the night of my life, oh my love oh my dear blablabla

All nights that passed
I end up thinking of you

Night
is the quietest of all time
and the time when I am usually awaken

Do you know
it’s been three years since the first time I started to think about you
and that first time was
when I first saw you

Love at first sight, huh?
how great is it?
yeah
you my dear

Then it became such a problem
cause it grows bigger and bigger every night
until I don’t know when

Should I end this?
I surely hope can do
but
it is not me to decide
my heart does

Yesterday
I slept at 7 pm
and wakes up at 3 am
still
never miss the part when I’m missing you

I wonder
why should I let this permanent-melancholy-love-feeling-that-becomes-pain eating me?
you know how pathetic I am
when I say

“IT’S BETTER TO FEEL PAIN, THAN NOTHING AT ALL”

Well
the sentence doesn’t come out from my mouth
it’s a line from “Stubborn Love” by The Lumineers

Hey wait
is this still a poem?
I don’t know
is it ever a poem?

***

(Love is a really strong word as you may know
and it’s kinda hard of using this when I said “love at first sight”
it was an attraction, I believe
nothing such “love at first sight” ever exists
you are just attracted, idiot!
wake UP!

When it lasts long
then you can call it “it”)

What?

When people act unusual in a bad way, you'll ask "what's wrong with everybody?"
But when they act unusual in a good way, what should you ask? What's right with everybody?

┌П┐

It is empty
nothing fills in it but hatred
I don't like being with you
but I don't like being alone more
but now I realize
that you only become an object of this anger
so get lost please?
for your own goodness

Antara fiksi dan realita

     Ada sebuah cerita dalam buletin mahasiswa Fakultas Psikologi yang cukup menyentil, saya rasa. Cerita itu berupa komik satu halaman berjudul "Antara Fiksi dan Realita" yang sepertinya selalu ditampilkan dalam tiap penerbitan buletin tersebut dengan judul utama "Si Komet".
     Jadi alurnya begini, Komet merasa iba pada seorang anak yang harus mengemis demi sesuap nasi yang saat itu sedang diputar di televisi. Seketika sang ibu meminta Komet berbelanja di pasar dan memberinya uang untuk belanja tersebut yang mungkin masih bersisa untuknya.
     Setelah Komet selesai berbelanja, seorang anak kecil yang sedang jongkok menarik bajunya dan berharap agar Komet mengasihani kondisinya yang belum makan selama dua hari. Namun akhirnya Komet hanya berlalu dan lebih memilih uang sisa belanjaan tadi digunakan untuk merental film saja.
     Di akhir cerita, terdapat kalimat "Terkadang kita mampu menitihkan air mata untuk sebuah fiksi, tapi tidak untuk realita".
Miris? Ya, pasti. Yang menyedihkan lagi, itu sering terjadi pada saya.

Tulisan ini bukan bermaksud memamerkan keprihatinan dan penyesalan saya, just share for a better self.

\\

Mungkin orang sering sedih
karena ia selalu betah berlama-lama menikmati kesedihan
atau
karena ia tidak bisa mempertahankan kebahagiaan yang sudah ada

0en4ngg4 0at5

Maaf hanya mengingatmu di kala sedih
Melupakanmu di kala senang
Mengingkarimu demi kesombongan

Maaf

Tolong aku Allah
Bebaskan lah segala keburukan yang melekat di diri ini
Meski aku sadar ini bergantung dariku
Tapi tolong permudah lah
Yang kurasa sulit ini

Apapun yang terjadi
Kuharap itu kehendakmu
Yang baik untukku

//

I wish I were a person who don't pretend to like people, but not jerk enough to tell I don't like or hate them, just act casual until they ask.

Nothing else matters

Many things happened
but I just don't know how to tell

I am still a selfish kid
who avoids everything

This is not an apology
just another meaningless crap

Help.