Keluarga?

Dulu aku pernah punya keluarga
Namanya ada lah
Di sana aku tidak hanya menemukan arti rumah
Tapi juga tempat di mana diriku diasah
Menjadi manusia di antara berbagai macam manusia
Yang sepatutnya kusebut sebagai saudara

Mungkin tanpa mereka aku tetap adalah manusia
Tetapi manusia yang berbeda
Entah lah apa jadinya, mungkin aku tidak begitu suka

Banyak emosi yang aku alami di sana
Benci, marah, suka, duka, bahagia, bercampuraduk rasa
Mau apa pun itu, aku tak pernah merasa tidak bangga
Menjadi bagian dari mereka yang rutin menjalani hidup di sepetak ruang sederhana

mazochista

Terkadang, di kala hidup ini terasa sepi
muncul hasrat untuk menyakiti diri sendiri
dengan cara-cara yang barangkali sudah kaupahami
tanpa harus aku mengungkapkan isi hati
.
.
.
Terkadang, di kala mata ini sulit tertutup
aku merasa menjadi manusia yang paling kalut
meratapi diri yang tak pernah betul-betul hidup
bertanya-tanya, kapan 'ku tidak lagi bertindak pengecut

5s: selamat sahur saudara-saudari sekalian

Kakak

kita terlahir berbeda

tapi dari rahim yang sama

perkakas yang sama;

ibu bernama Zulfina

dan bapak bernama Sunkowo

–yang berkisah padaku suatu ketika

bahwa artinya adalah duka,

belasungkawa–

Eh, kembali ke kakak

Kakak

banyak orang bilang muka kita mirip

tapi kurasa itu cuma dusta

jelas kau lebih jelita

sedang aku?

hanya sisa-sisa buah cinta

yang memudar

atau mungkin tak pernah ada

Three glasses

I've got three glasses on my desk tonight
one is filled with coffee, two is tea, and the other is water
which one is my favorite? I'm not sure
but I think I'm going to have it that way for tomorrow and the day after, and so on

because coffee offers me some sort of energy
while tea gives me serenity
and water keeps me healthy

it's weird and somehow it's contradictive
but so am I

Kun faya kun!

Kurasakan diri ini tumpul
tidak memiliki hasrat yang kuat seperti dulu
dan entah tersalurkan kemana hasrat dulu itu pun
aku bingung

Oh daku sewaktu berumur lima belas tahun!
mana angan-anganmu saat itu
masih ingatkah kau?
atau sengaja kau lupakan, kau tinggalkan

Apa yang sudah kau raih?

Setidaknya untuk pekerjaan aku sudah merasa aman
dan sungguh, sumpah demi Tuhan, aku sangat mensyukurinya!

Aku tak tahu kalo suara bisa cabut aku dari kucing

Aku Tak Tahu

Aku bertemu seseorang
Seseorang yang menyebut dirinya Aku
Kutanya padanya,
“Apa nama panjangmu?”
“Aku tak tahu”
“Kamu tak tahu, ya?”
“Aku tak tahu”
“Aku tak tahu, ya?”
“Ya”

Aku Tak Tahu..
Ia bocah miskin bau pesing
Dengan liur di ujung bibirnya
Dan ingus keluar masuk

Aku Tak Tahu..
Seorang bocah nakal
Yang suka berlari
Dan sering mengumpat
Nama bapaknya
“Jol, Benjol, Benjol”

“Kuharap benjolnya pecah
Jadi nanah”
Katanya padaku geram

Aku Tak Tahu..
Anak lelaki ganteng rupa
Dari seorang buruk rupa
Bernama Panjol

“Bapakku gila”
“Kenapa?”
“Masak dimasukkannya pedangnya..”
“Ke?”
“PANTATKU”

Aku Tak Tahu..
Adalah korban dari
Nafsu bejat bapaknya
Yang mulutnya bau busuk

Dan..
Seseorang
Yang aku tak tahu namanya

***

Suara

Berkata tak ada yang mendengar
Mendengar tak ada yang berbicara

Suara tidak berguna
Hanya dipendam tak dikeluarkan

***

Cabut Aku

Cabut aku
Aku kering, aku layu
Aku lumpuh, hampir jatuh

Daunku tak sehijau dulu

Jangaaan!
Tak perlu kau siram
Cabut saja kubilang

Air tak akan mempan

***

Kucing

Kucing kecil merengek-rengek meminta ikanku
Siapa dia? Bukan urusanku
Kutendang mukanya biar tak ganggu
Eeh malah maju

***

February, 2011

Good luck on that

Where are you love?

I wait
I pray that we meet
but never shows up

I’m such a failure
just hope but do nothing

Why can’t I change?

I suffer
no passion in life
only being obsessive by some things
oh my

Looking up at others
envy every time
how I want to know what it feels like

Looking low at some
so I feel better
but it’s just pathetic!

Can I kill me?

I would love to
but then
it’s everyone that I think of!

No
it’s not like I care of them losing me
because

No one’s going to really feel lost
it’s just
I care about what they would think of me

Killing myself!
makes it even more pathetic, right?

Why do I want so much?
why can’t I just be grateful of what I have?
why can’t I just enjoy life?

Why can’t I just love it?

I don’t even have any damn curiosity about any useful things but …

(Can’t tell that)

You are the night of my life, oh my love oh my dear blablabla

All nights that passed
I end up thinking of you

Night
is the quietest of all time
and the time when I am usually awaken

Do you know
it’s been three years since the first time I started to think about you
and that first time was
when I first saw you

Love at first sight, huh?
how great is it?
yeah
you my dear

Then it became such a problem
cause it grows bigger and bigger every night
until I don’t know when

Should I end this?
I surely hope can do
but
it is not me to decide
my heart does

Yesterday
I slept at 7 pm
and wakes up at 3 am
still
never miss the part when I’m missing you

I wonder
why should I let this permanent-melancholy-love-feeling-that-becomes-pain eating me?
you know how pathetic I am
when I say

“IT’S BETTER TO FEEL PAIN, THAN NOTHING AT ALL”

Well
the sentence doesn’t come out from my mouth
it’s a line from “Stubborn Love” by The Lumineers

Hey wait
is this still a poem?
I don’t know
is it ever a poem?

***

(Love is a really strong word as you may know
and it’s kinda hard of using this when I said “love at first sight”
it was an attraction, I believe
nothing such “love at first sight” ever exists
you are just attracted, idiot!
wake UP!

When it lasts long
then you can call it “it”)

Doesn't matter

It doesn’t matter how much we love someone

it doesn’t matter why we love someone

and it doesn’t matter how crazy they make us feel

What matters is whom we love

are they worth it?

But then

it’s not about what matters

it’s just about love itself

what we feel is what we feel

we can name it anything

without an inevitability of one another

because love doesn’t require confirmation

But then

how complete it must be

if it’s

Loneliest night

At night
I hear everything clearly
sounding in my ears
cockroaches,
lizards
all crawling

At night
I can’t sleep
a storm in my belly
I am hungry

where’s all the food?

I miss something to be missed
thing that I need to be missed
not one about obsession
everything in its right place
like that
driving me crazy
but sincerity

Oh night
I can’t think of anything
but food
where’s all the food?
I am very hungry

Every night is just the same
as the night before
and before that
the loneliest night

Melancholy's a bitch

I love hearing your voice
seeing that face of yours
that awkward face

We didn’t talk much
but when we did
what a precious time!
every second of it!
seriously, it was

Although what came out from this mouth
was soo boring
boooring
like my life and myself
and I’m sorry

I don’t expect you to know my feeling
I’m so good at hiding it
know why?
because I’m too afraid
it’s gonna end soon
like now
when obviously it all never even begins

Oh univeeeeerse
I’m tired of loving
without knowing, so humiliating
always blaming the situation
and condition
when I know that it’s just me
too coward

I wonder
what’s the point of me writing this?
I mean typing this?
to show off my sadness?
in a public website?

oh
oh
true

I just need to be heard
read

***

In the end
let me shout some lines of a song

“I am huuuman and I need to be loooooved
just like everybody else does!”

Nothingness

You know
sometimes I think of you
sometimes I think of someone else
and sometimes I think of me

Who am I?
what am I?

I’m a girl
who still lives in her parents’ house
who has hopes
one of those is getting out
from this stupid city

I don’t care of this feeling
I don’t care if I never see you again
because maybe it’s not..
what do people call it?
love

Yeah
it’s not love
it’s just a feeling
that’ll be gone
fast

Untuk kenangan semalam

Malam, abang tukang becak
Gimana keadaan? keluarga?
Semoga baik-baik saja
Kerjaan lancar?
Setoran ngga kurang, kan?

Izinkan aku menemanimu
Di sudut kota laknat ini
Menyaksikan bintang-bintang
Pada langit kehidupan kita
Sambil berbincang,
tertawa
Sampai kejenuhan tiba
Mengantarku ke pelukmu
Di sebuah gubuk tak bernama

Kau yang kuincar
dan kau yang kekar
Penakluk diriku
Penguasa kelemahanku
Mencumbuku, menindihku
Melampiaskan birahimu
Menuju puncak nafasku

Keringatmu, keringatku
Menyatu menjadi satu
Hingga kita terlelap
dan matahari pagi
Mulai memancarkan cahayanya
Mengakhiri semua
Kau dan aku

Akhirnya kau membenah diri
Tersenyum mesum lalu pergi
Meninggalkan aku yang jalang
Serta selembar uang

Terima kasih

Shouldn't have asked

I’ve seen you before

I don’t know where
I don’t know when
But I’m sure as hell I’ve seen you before

Does my face seem familiar to you?
Or is it only you who seem familiar to me?

I won’t get the answer
For I’ll never ask you

…

No, in fact I still consider it

“What should I do? What should I do?”
I heard myself mumbling

Okay, it’s just the matter of time
And now I think this is the time
I must ask it to you
Or I’m dying of curiosity

So here I am, looking for you

Is that you?
You’re not that fat
Is that you?
You’re not that tall either
Seriously, where are you?
Why can’t I see you?

They say you’re gone

And now the only thing I can do is waiting
Waiting for tomorrow
Waiting for an answer to my wondering
That keeps nagging me

…

Yesterday, I promised myself to boldly ask you
And today, I’m going to do that
I’m really excited yet also nervous at the same time

It’s you! Walking on your own
Yes, this is my good chance
My heart beats faster
As I walk slowly towards you

“Hey”, finally I said it
I guess you do not notice
You’re too busy looking at your phone
“Hey”, I said it twice!
You look at me and still do not say anything

I pause for a moment
And brace myself,
“Hey man, I feel like we’ve known each other
Do you believe in reincarnation?
I think we were soulmate back then”

I don’t know why
But there’s this grin on your face
I don’t understand what it means
So I just keep waiting
Come on, come on say something

*Tick..tock..tick..tock..tick*

And when you start moving your lips
You simply reply
“Who the fuck are you?”

And now I’m fucked up

Smell of your smell

Bau tubuhmu
Yang bercampur parfum
Menjadi aroma terindah untuk hidungku
Di mana kau beli?

Kecanduan menyerangku
Aku menikmatinya
Kucari di toko parfum terkenal
Tak ada bau yang kukenal

Perlahan-lahan sudah terlupakan
Namun aku tak bisa menahan
Beban yang kurasakan
Semakin menekan perasaan

Akhirnya kutemukan
Wangi yang kuidam dan sangat kurindukan
Kusemprot ke tubuhku
Berharap memuaskan nafsu dulu

Tidak seperti yang kumau
Tidak sempurna tanpa baumu

Kutahu kau tidak selamanya
Dan aku mulai gelisah

Bagai udara pagi yang jarang kuhirup
Begitu pula aromamu 

Aku ingin engkau kemari mengusir sepi ini
Berada di dekat dan saling merapat
Menghempaskan seluruhmu
Menebarkan pesonamu
Bersama aroma favoritku

If you forget me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine. 

Pablo Neruda